The Sample

I went to my annual with my Women's Health NP last week.  I mentioned that it had been over a year of trying to conceive, and that I had an appointment next week with the OB she works under.  She suggested we get things going faster and have test results ready by that appointment.  After looking through my lab results ordered by my thorough rheumy and nephrologist, she decided that was sufficient for my testing right now.  So, she gave me a cup  for Charles and instructions.

I had images flash through my mind of Charles having to look at porno magazines in a little "cubicle" along with a few other guys in the same room who were trying to give the same sample.  I was relieved to hear that we could obtain the sample in the privacy of our own home!  The only rule was that we had to get it back to the hospital within 60 minutes.  Game on.

The day finally came when we both had time off together and the lab was open at the same time.  We procured our sample (haha), and had to get past my mom who was sitting at the kitchen table.  It seriously felt like I was a teenager who was sneaking around!  We concealed the specimen cup in Charles' jacket and told her we were going to run errands.  It's not like we are hiding trying to conceive, but it's awkward to just say, "Well, I just helped Charles ejaculate while you were eating breakfast, and now we're going to give a cup of his stuff to the hospital."

We made it to McKay-Dee, and ran inside as fast as we could because it was raining hard.  We got through registration which took longer because there were so much personal information that had changed since the last time Charles had seen doctor.  Finally, they asked for the insurance card.  He gave the lady his Altius card.  The look on her face changed uncomfortably.  Then it hit me.  Intermountain Healthcare isn't an in-network hospital/provider for Altius.  Duh!  Charles has a difference insurance than I do, and I hadn't even thought about that!  She suggested we go to Ogden Regional Medical Center.  We ran out of there as fast as we could, knowing we had about 30 minutes left for the sample to be usable.

We flew on the road to ORMC, went through their registration, watching the clock tick away as we encountered all the same information questions that seemed to take FOREVER.  We had 20 minutes left. Then, we had to wait for the lab tech to come back to the lab because she was drawing blood elsewhere in the hospital.  "Not bigger, just better" is their slogan?  Yeah right!  One lab tech for the whole hospital on the weekend?  Are you kidding?  She took one look at our papers and simply said, "We don't do that here."  Whaaa?!?!  Are you kidding me?!  She wasn't.

Charles was ready to give up.  But I wasn't!  We would have had to wait 3 whole days before Charles could give another sample, and that would be too late to get results next week.  We had 10 minutes left.  So, we got back in his POS (piece of special) car, and by some miracle, it went from 0 to 40 in just a few seconds!  That never happens!  We made it back to McKay, I ran inside first, not caring about who saw our specimen cup of swimmers.  I rushed into registration, looked extremely anxiously at all the registration people and finally someone called our name.  I threw the sample on his desk and said, "We have less than a minute for this sample to be looked at under the microscope, and there's no way I can redo it today!"  Charles walked in and went bright red!  I'm a nurse; I don't care about who sees what bodily fluid.  If you don't want to look at sperm, poop, blood, mucous or anything else that can go in a specimen cup, then don't work in a hospital.  The nice registration man printed out the lab form and sent Charles to the lab with his cup of swimmers while he finished the process with me.  If he was embarrassed, he didn't show it.  But that would've been kinda fun to mess with him if he had been! 

The sperm definitely went on a wild ride, and I hope they survived well enough to be examined accurately!  I guess we'll see when I get results tomorrow!