High Hopes

Well, it didn't work.  I had high hopes because I was sure that my curvy cervix was the problem.  The sperm was deposited right where it needed to be, it had 90% motility, the timing was perfect.  I'm not sure what went wrong.  I've heard it takes some couples 5 or 6 tries doing IUI to have success.  It really is all up to chance (Heavenly Father) because the process and circumstances would appear to be the same each month, as long as everything is as ideal as it was this month.  So we definitely still have a few more months of hope before we think about IVF. 


You would think that I've learned you shouldn't put the cart before the horse.  But I haven't. 


I had big plans for painting one bedroom of our new house in the colors that I was choosing for a jungle themed nursery.


I wasn't going to store anything in our nook area off our master bedroom because a bassinette would need to go there soon.


I've bought a few onesies and other adorable outfits that I just couldn't give away to friends who had babies, or I've bought one for them and one for me.


I tried on a petite maternity shirt when shopping with friends just to see what it would look like.


I've looked up numerous tips on how to survive hospitalized bedrest and then the NICU because we've been told to plan on both of those things.


I always am googling or pinteresting cute ideas of how to announce pregnancy to friends and family.  Each time we see Charles' family (1-2 times per year), I have a great plan in mind for how to announce it based on the activities we will be doing or the time of year we're together.


I had big plans of giving Charles' mom a children's story book for Christmas with a picture of an ultrasound in it and a note that said, "Please read this to me when you come visit me in August 2015."  Of course she would start crying.  Or maybe we would take a family selfie in front of the Christmas tree and have everyone say, "Chandra's pregnant!" and we capture their expressions as the camera clicks. 


I really shouldn't do those things.  But each month brings new hope.  And if you don't have hope, what else is there to keep your spirits and motivation up?  We are going to take the month of December off because it is a busy time of year anyway, and we will be with Charles' family during the time the IUI would take place.  Maybe a new year will bring new hope, or new opportunities...     

IUI #1

Charles ended up explaining the situation to his coworkers, and they worked everything out so we he could take 30-45 minutes away from work in the middle of the day to provide a sample.  And of course, they all wished him luck when he left!  Lol!  We met at a park & ride between the fertility clinic and his work.  I had big decisions to make before I left the house what I was going to wear because I wanted the process to go fast for him, but I wanted to keep my garments on in case I got in an accident (plus I would've felt weird not wearing them)! 


We met up at the parking lot and faced a cement wall, and I put jackets and blankets up to shield the windows.  It really felt sketchy to be so secretive and making a little hide-out for ourselves!  Charles got there on time and we had plenty of time to spare.  We were getting into the mood, kissing and touching and such things, and what happens?  A guy walks right in the front of our car and puts a flyer on my windshield as we're just staring at him like deer in the headlights!  Because we definitely needed something to make this situation more awkward!  After that, it was a little more difficult to accomplish our task because we were super paranoid, but we managed.  I kissed Charles goodbye and drove 8 minutes back to the fertility clinic where I proudly handed them the sample. 


I went back to the clinic one hour later, and it was insemination time.  I was surprised to learn that a nurse was going to do it, not Dr. S.  Here goes another month without seeing him.  Oh well, I'd rather have a woman do it anyway.  It was like a pap with a metal speculum and then she swabbed my cervix with, I'm guessing, some type of antiseptic.  She let me know that Charles' motility needed to be >40% and it was 90% after the wash!  Awesome!  Then we verified 3 times that it was Charles' semen in the syringe she had.  And then came the fun part of trying to get 8cm of catheter threaded through my cervix.  I think this is what they had the most difficulty with during my HSG.  Apparently my cervix is curvy.  Charles had a good laugh with that one later, but it was not fun at all during the process!  She curved the catheter and tried to maneuver it through my cervix for about 10 minutes, causing cramps the whole time, and finally it found its way through and she injected the semen into my uterus.  She told me there could be a lot of spotting because of the trauma to my cervix, and she said to call with either result after I test in 2 weeks.  Then I laid on the table for 15 minutes still in the stirrups, falling asleep for a short nap (night shift has enabled me to sleep anywhere), then I got up and went home. 

Syringe with catheter attached (after the semen was shot through)

I was crampy and felt twinges of pain for 2 days after, along with some spotting.  But all in all, I feel pretty good about it.  And I'm curious to know if my curvy cervix has been the issue all along.  We can only hope that IUI fixed our problems!  We will take a $400 fix over a $20,000 IVF cycle!  Keep us in your prayers!


"Faith in God includes faith in His timing."

              

Time Sensitive

Today was a frustrating day.  I got a positive OPK this morning, which would normally be a happy thing because that means IUI will be within the next 24 hours.  IUI (intrauterine insemination) is where they take Charles' swimmers, prepare them so that only the good ones are saved, put them in a tube which is then inserted past my cervix and into my uterus.  This allows the best of the best to be right where they need to be when the egg is released.  They would have to be really dumb to not know where to go at this point!  The chance of conceiving goes up to 20% when you take medication with IUI. 


I had talked with the nurse a couple weeks ago at the beginning of my cycle, and she said I could bring in Charles' sample if he was unable to go to the office himself as long as it was received within 30 minutes, and they open at 8AM.  I thought this was perfect since we live right down the road from the clinic now, and that way he could leave right to work as soon as he gave me a sample.  He would only be a little late to work if I took the sample in first thing in the morning!  I called the office today to let them know I got a positive OPK, and they said the soonest I could drop off the sample would be 12:30PM.  Umm... this does not work.  Charles can't take a whole morning off work.  Then they asked very rudely, "He can't even take time off for this?"  This is not about what he is willing to do.  He wants a baby as much as I do.  This is about his job in customer service where the customer always comes first, and Charles can't just up and leave anytime he pleases, leaving all his work to his coworkers.  Coming in late in the morning was understandable to his boss and coworkers, but leaving in the middle of the day?  Nope.  He can't even predict when his lunch break is (much like my job), so that wouldn't work either.  They just could not understand that.


I got frustrated on the phone, and I said, "Well, I guess we are done here then.  He'll never be able to give a sample in the middle of the day.  We need the first appointment."  I wanted to cry.  The receptionist retorted, "Well, we'll never be able to predict when you get a positive OPK, so we can't ever promise you a 8AM appointment if you're going to call to schedule it the day before."  Actually, I've gotten a positive OPK on Day 12 every single Femara cycle, so we can predict it, but she didn't believe me and said it could vary every cycle.  I said we can try to do the 12:30 appointment, but there's going to be a lot of stress involved.  I will be driving to Charles' work in Bountiful, trying to seduce him quickly, get the sample and fly on the freeway back up to Layton to get the sample to the office within 30 minutes.  I'm not feeling good about this.  I can just picture myself getting into an accident, being brought into an ER, on a backboard with a c-collar on, clutching that sample to keep it room temperature, yelling, "Someone needs to take this to the reproductive office!  And you guys better stabilize me within 90 minutes so I can get there, too for my part!"  But I also know that if it is meant to be, it will work out.  It is all in Heavenly Father's hands.  I just need to take some deep, cleansing breaths.  Wish us luck!             

Same Boat, Different River

Don't get excited because I didn't update last month!  We are still in the same boat.  The boat of 2.5mg of Femara and timed intercourse.  Except now we are paddling in the river of Syracuse, UT where there doesn't appear to be another boat in sight.  It's probably untrue because with more women in their 20's and 30's concentrated in one certain city, there would likely be more women with infertility.  But you wouldn't think so by looking at my new neighborhood and ward.  Our first week at our new ward last week was painful.  "Oh, it's just you and your husband?"  Yes, just us. While they helped us unload the moving van, someone said, "Who is the trampoline for?  You don't have any kids!"  Umm.. I have a niece and nephew who like to spend time at our house, and maybe I still enjoy the trampoline because I don't have stress incontinence when I jump!  I'm starting to think this move was a mistake.  But I do love my house.  And the neighbors are very nice and super friendly.  It's so nice to see kids wearing helmets and playing outside together.  And one day we will have at least one child, and then we'll fit in just perfectly.  But until then, it's going to be even harder than it was.




I haven't seen my usual doctor, Dr. S since my first ultrasound back in July.  My cycle day 10 follicle checks keep falling on a Saturday, so I end up having to go to Sandy and see the on-call doctor.  And of course, my Dr. S is never on-call the weeks I need him!  But he did something really cool last month which made me feel better about things.  He called me out of the blue and said he was sorry I haven't been able to see him for the past 4 months.  He wanted me to know he agrees with what Dr. Moustache and Dr. Oriental advised me to do, and that he goes to bed at night worrying about my kidneys.  Lol!  He said we should have another meeting with him if this month is a bust, and we will talk about IUI or even IVF.  IVF would be safest because he would only transfer one egg at a time (I'm choosing to believe that the Quad Mom situation from Utah could never happen to me!  Her two eggs both divided).  But IVF is upwards of $20,000.  Anyway, it was nice that he called and wanted to let me know he is thinking of us and our journey.




Here are some funny "You Know You're Trying to Conceive When..."isms.


1. You know you're TTC when you know your cycle day better than the actual date.
2. You know you're TTC when the plastic cups in the bathroom aren't for drinking. (gross!)
3. You know you're TTC when you can educate your friends about ovulation and basal body temperature much better than health class in high school did.
4. You know you're TTC when you analyze every twinge or pain in your abdomen.
5. You know you're TTC when you get excited with a sudden wave of nausea.
6. You know you're TTC when you change your work schedule so you're not working during the 3 most important nights of the month.
7. You know you're TTC when it's perfectly normal to text your husband a pic of a positive ovulation test that you've peed on, so he knows it's "go time" that night.
8. You know you're TTC when your nightstand has a BBT thermometer, Preseed lubricant and extra OPKs in it.
9. You know you're TTC when you're glad your period finally shows up when you got a negative pregnancy test 2 days ago so you can start fresh again.
10. You know you're TTC when you don't mind (too much) waking up at 5 AM to have intercourse before your husband goes to work and then be ready again that night.
11. You know you're TTC when playing with your "baby" means taking them for a walk on a leash and throwing a tennis ball 50 times each day.

Monster Baby

Since we are coming up on Halloween, I thought this title was appropriate.  After all, that's what Dr. Chinese/Japanese/oriental/Asian guy and Charles talked about while I had yet another Day 10 ultrasound.

Obviously, last month was a bust.  We tried a grand total of once, then thought that we really shouldn't chance it.  If it was meant to be, then that one time (the day we worried and stressed about the possibility of having twins) would be enough to make it happen.  It apparently wasn't meant to be!  Maybe I would've really had twins.  Who knows?  Anyway, it was kind of nice not to get my hopes up for once because I knew that we hadn't really tried that hard.  So it wasn't as big of a letdown.

This cycle, I took 2.5mg of Femara instead of 5mg.  Then we prayed for just one follicle!  I asked the nurse what the difference is between having one follicle on my own like I used to before treatments, and having one follicle from taking Femara.  She talked to Dr. S (I ask difficult questions!), and he said Femara makes a stronger ovulation with larger and more mature follicles, raises your progesterone which will support an embryo better, and also causes you to have a thicker uterine lining.  So I guess I will keep taking it even though the side effects are no fun.  At least my headaches were much milder this time around on the lower dose.

 

 

Day 10 fell on a Saturday AGAIN, so Charles and I had to drive down to Sandy and get my follicular scan with the doctor who was on-call for the weekend, which was Dr. Chinese/Japanese/oriental/Asian guy.  I just wish I could see my regular Dr. S!  But rest assured, all of these doctors do care about me.  I only have to meet one more, then I will have collected all their cards!  haha.  Anyway, this guy told me I have a beautiful uterus (umm... thanks?), then said I have a huge follicle (26mm, so bigger than last cycle), and 2 smaller ones that didn't look promising.  He then said something like he hoped I didn't have a monster baby because I had a monster follicle and I'm so small.  He and Charles then went off on that idea and we talked about big babies and short women the rest of the time.  These doctors in this office don't care about how the baby comes out, just getting it in there in the first place!  In the end, I asked him if he felt comfortable with us procreating this cycle even though I had 3 follicles, and he said, "Well, Dr. A (maternal fetal medicine doctor) will take good care of you no matter what!"  So is that a yes?  He wouldn't say.  Charles likened it to someone asking him if they should buy a rebuilt car that had been in an accident.  So basically, I'm a damaged car that has been given a clean bill of health.  Lol!  But we felt good about it this time since I only had one mature follicle, and it didn't work last time with good timing and 2 mature follicles.  So here we go!

 

 

          

Stormy With A Chance of Twins

I went for my follicle check (ultrasound) on Day 10, which was on Saturday.  I had to go down to South SLC for it since they are open on Saturdays.  Charles luckily had the day off, so he met me after my night shift, we ate breakfast at Village Inn and then drove down to the clinic.  We had a lovely morning with lots of laughing and joking, probably because we were both very sleep deprived!

When we got into the exam room, I pointed out the magic wand and Charles' eyes got huge.  He started laughing and asked, "THAT has to go up there?"  Not the whole thing, but yes!  I had told him I would need to get halfway undressed and that I felt gross after a night shift.  But it didn't occur to him that the ultrasound wouldn't be on my stomach like on TV! 

Dr. Mustache-and-Eyebrows came in (not my regular doctor) and we got right down to business.  He said there were 2 mature follicles!  Yay!  But then he said the risk for twins was increased with 2 follicles that could possibly both hold an egg inside of them, and he said we'd talk more outside.  I got dressed and we went out into the hallway where he pulled up my recent labs and we talked about the "super ovulation" I'd had last cycle.  I likely had 2 follicles then, too, but we didn't have an ultrasound that time.  He said we have options, and he had the nurse take us into the consult room to talk.

The first option we were given was to get the HCG trigger shot which would make the follicles release their egg(s) in 36-40 hours.  That sounded really good since I had 3 nights off work and we could pinpoint exactly when this whole thing could go down!  But then she said she didn't know if it would be wise to even try getting pregnant this cycle with my kidney issues.  The kidney's workload is increased with even just one baby, let alone two.  At that point, Dr. Mustache-and-Eyebrows poked his head in, and he said he had been thinking more about it and he would strongly recommend we not get pregnant this cycle.  I asked if he thought we should try a lower dose of Femara (which is also the lowest possibly dose and most conservative treatment possible) next time, and he thought that would be a good idea.  So, we made the decision to call it a month, and we left the clinic very down-hearted.  All that pain and bleeding for nothing.  And I still had ovulation cramps and another Femara period to look forward to.  :(

We got home, and I totally broke down.  It always eventually comes down to "Why do I have lupus? It makes my life so hard!  It's not fair!"  Charles comforted me for the millionth time, agreed with me that it wasn't fair, and eventually I fell asleep for the day.  When I woke up, we had some retail and ice cream therapy.

But then I had a thought!  Dr. S said there may be some months when Femara would cause me to release 2 eggs (but no more than that).  He hadn't said if we'd need to abandon those cycles or not!  I couldn't wait to call the clinic on Sunday morning!  The time finally came, and I didn't realize there was no one there, even for phone calls on Sundays. :(   So, I took matters into my own hands.  I tried to look up studies done regarding the incidence of twins on Femara with 2 mature follicles and timed intercourse.  I searched all the trying to conceive forums on a ton of different websites.  I talked to 2 girls in my ward and a high school friend who had had trouble conceiving and had been on Clomid and Femara, as well as one friend from work who had undergone IVF.  The general consensus was that multiple follicles (2) did mean a possibly higher chance of twins, but it also meant a higher chance of conceiving just one baby as well.  I could take that information how I wanted to.

In church, I tried to listen for answers.  The Sunday school lesson was on Job.  After reviewing all of Job's trials, we ended with reading Job 42:10.  "And the Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed... The Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before."  No!  I don't want twice the blessings!    

Many prayers were said that day, and I could see both sides of it.  Trust God that He wouldn't give me more than my body could handle.  Or don't be stupid and risky and just listen to your doctor!  Maybe I didn't get pregnant last cycle because Heavenly Father knew I hadn't had an ultrasound and didn't know I was at an increased risk for twins then, too.  I ended up e-mailing Bishop Ritchie because he is the one I go to when I'm in turmoil!  I asked him if he thought a blessing to not have twins would be something reasonable to ask for.  He said a blessing would be a great idea and that I should always remember Heavenly Father wants to bless me with whatever I need help with.  I just need to ask and then have faith!  But then he said he was worried about me.  Haha!  Oh great!  My wise and knowledgeable father-figure has doubts, after he told me to go for it.

So, Charles gave me a blessing to not have twins, and I took a pink dye OPK test (my clearblue easy was still negative).  Of course, it was blatantly positive!  It was now or never.  We went ahead with things Sunday night, and I didn't feel panicky before, during or after, so that's good I guess.  Now I just have to have faith and trust in His plan for me.  I called Dr. S's nurse today as soon as they opened.  She talked to Dr. S and he highly recommended I cancel this cycle as well, but he couldn't tell me what to do.  The nurse said to go with my gut.  Gut, impressions from the Holy Ghost... same thing.  I don't feel bad that we tried once.  But I think that Dr. Mustache-and-Eyebrows randomly coming into the consult room to specifically warn me meant something, too.  I had my ovulation temperature dip this morning, so we had good timing.  The two week wait likely starts tomorrow.  So we will see...

        

     

Round Two

Taking my temperature last cycle was very helpful!  But it also crushed my dreams two days prematurely.  I saw a beautiful drop in my temperature of 97.19 on Day 11 which indicates ovulation, then it kept climbing daily, to a max of 99.05.  It bounced around in the 98.8-98.9 range for about 15 days, then dropped suddenly to 98.46 on Day 27.  I wanted to cry.  Besides a negative pink dye pregnancy test, my true confirmation of not being pregnant started two days later.

Femara has definitely done weird things to my body.  I was extremely emotional on Day 2.  I'm not sure if this is from meds, or if it was just really hard to accept that I wasn't pregnant after we tried something different (meds) for the first time.  I was at work on Day 2, and I started having really bad cramps.  This felt different than my non-medicated cycles.  It felt kind of like gas pains, sharp stabbing then disappearing and happening again on the other side of my lower abdominal cavity.  I also felt a heaviness like things were growing inside of me.  I turned to Dr. Google (stupid, stupid, stupid!), and found that I could have residual ovarian cysts that didn't dissolve from last cycle.  There is an increased risk for this when on fertility meds.  I have had an ovarian cyst rupture when I was 19, and that was definitely not fun and cost me a trip to the ER.  I made plans to call my doctor on the way home from work, but then I started to feel a little better.  They had already told me they don't normally do ultrasounds at the beginning of each cycle unless I'm doing injections, so obviously they think the risk of cysts is low with just oral medication. 

I got home, then basically had a murder scene in the bathroom.  It hasn't been that bad since I was diagnosed with lupus and became anemic from bleeding so much.  Also, this was Day 3, not Day 1!  What the heck?!  Cue more emotions.  Thank goodness I had a full day of sleeping planned, which is pretty much what happened, along with binge-watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix.  Even though I didn't feel like it at all, we went out on a double date that night which was the best thing that could've happened.  I love my hubby and our friends who we finally confided in.

I started taking Femara again the night of Day 3.  I thought maybe I could sleep during the awful headaches it causes.  Day 4 was yesterday, and it did not work.  I woke up with my head throbbing, especially anytime I did anything to increase my intracranial pressure (pressure inside of my head) like coughing, sneezing, stretching, yawning, etc.  I couldn't turn my head in church and basically looked like a zombie.  Today is Day 5, and with no headache yet today, I feel hopeful again!  I will have an ultrasound on Day 10 since I ovulated so early last month which was not expected.  So here's to another month of strong and painful ovulation, early morning temperature taking, OPKs, timed intercourse, and hoping the stars align.