I Just Want To Be Normal

I'm so discouraged right now!  We've tried to get pregnant for 7 months now with no success.  I've used the ovulation prediction kits, we've tried to "make a baby" every other day from day 10-22 each month with extra emphasis around ovulation, I've stood on my head after, and I'm regular so Clomid would be useless.  I feel like temping wouldn't really be helpful because of my erratic sleep schedule with rotating shifts.  But I suppose it's a last resort.  So what gives?  Is it that I had chemo for 4 years?  Is it Charles?  I'm too nervous to go to the doctor because I don't want to spend money to have them tell me, "It can take up to a year for a normal, healthy couple to get pregnant."  I know that.    

But none of that matters now because I'm back on lisinopril for my blood pressure, and that is a class D drug (meaning, there is positive evidence of risk to the baby).  I had been on that since 2002 until February 2013 when we started trying to conceive, I've been on Methyldopa for my blood pressure.  I was anxious to try it since I thought I was going to get pregnant right away.  As the months passed, I began to have headaches and random checks of my BP didn't look good.  I was sitting around 130s/90s, but sometimes after a stressful shift at work, it would be 140s/110s.  That is not okay for a girl my size!  My nephrologist recommended to take my meds more regularly and on time, which is a no-brainer, but is difficult to do when you work rotating shifts.   

Monday night, I was working my usual night shift, but I had to transfer a kid to PICU because they were going downhill really fast.  I had a headache to start with, but it was 10x worse after the PICU transfer.  My work buddies made me take my BP and it was 188/135.  Yikes!  The CN insisted I go to the Emergency Department.  I was resistant, but decided I'd rather not have a stroke in the car on my way home.  So I finished all my charting (haha) and went down there.  They didn't know what to do with me since I was *gasp* 25!  They called the on-call doc from my nephrologist's office, and he said to try Clonidine, which got it down to 160/110 after 2 doses.  But then my HR was only 45!  I left the ED and went straight to my nephrologist's office.  He had me get a brain MRI since increased intracranial pressure (ICP) can cause bradycardia and hypertension.  And he added Hydralazine to my Methyldopa. 

Hydralazine seemed to do the trick for a day or two.  My BP was 115/90, but then my heart started racing.  I thought my body would just adjust eventually.  Thursday, I was at the opthamologist for my 6 month appt since I'm on a med for my lupus that can cause glaucoma and cataracts.  I started feeling just awful.  My heart was bounding, my head was throbbing, and I was all sweaty and dizzy.  They took my BP and it was 138/100, and my HR was 120.  Needless to say, they didn't dilate my eyes or that would've made it worse.  I left there and went straight back to the nephrologist.  He was very concerned, since I was holding my head and having some photophobia.  He said he would've admitted me if we weren't reassured by me having a normal brain MRI.  He gave me Lortab and I asked if I could go back on the tried and true BP med for me - Lisinopril.  He agreed and said I was in no position to be trying to get pregnant.  I didn't care about anything yesterday; I just wanted the headache to go away. 

We finally made it home, and I took Lortab.  It had done nothing 90 minutes later, and my headache was still at 10/10.  We called the husbands of the women I serve with in Young Women to come give me a blessing.  Two of them came immediately and I felt relief for a few minutes.  Then the headache was back.  I thought, surely this is Heavenly Father's way of saying I need to go back to the ER.  Charles came home soon after that, and he tried to comfort me.  I ended up puking, which made my head hurt even worse.  After another blessing, I calmed down a little.  I dreaded taking my BP, but did it anyway and it was 169/113.  I took the first dose of Lisinopril, and fell asleep for an hour.  When I woke up, my headache was about 8/10, and my BP was starting to go lower.  We called the on-call nephrologist and he said that if the headache continues, then I need to go the ER.  I took a Tylenol PM, got an ice pack, and had Charles read to me.  I fell asleep for the night and woke up with a headache at 2/10 and a BP of 120/81, HR 86.  Much better.  Lisinopril is my lifesaver.

But now, it's setting in what has just happened in the course of 3 days.  I can't go on like I was on the "pregnancy safe" BP drugs.  They obviously weren't controlling my BP, and I constantly had headaches of varying intensity.  We've talked about different options, but it comes down to needing an ACE inhibitor, not a beta blocker.  Now I'm back on an ACE inhibitor (Lisinopril) indefinitely, and that leaves me wondering if I'll ever get to try again.  And if it'll be worth it.  Of course having a baby in my arms will be worth it.  But my mind goes to the worst case scenario - will I get preeclampsia and HELLP?  Will I die?  Will I cause my baby to die?  Will I even get to have a baby in the end, even if I go through a difficult pregnancy?  That's pretty morbid, but it's what I worry about.  So, now we are back to normal, the way we've been for 3 years of our marriage.  Just doing our own thing, taking hundreds of pics of our dog instead of a growing tummy.  Charles and I needed a baby.  We need to progress in our marriage.  We've gone on trips around the world.  We have stable jobs and we're done with school.   Adoption from India is still 5 years away.  We really need a baby.  :'(