1 year anniversary (July 2010) - Our marriage is so much stronger, and we love each other even more than our wedding day. I think we're almost ready to add a little one.
2nd anniversary of our first date (November 2010) - Let's go take a walk by the Reflection Pond and talk about the future, our hopes, our dreams. I think I'm ready for this, are you? Yes.
Rheumatology appt. (December 2010) - We want to start trying in the upcoming months. What do I need to do to prepare, Dr. Dames? Get tested to see if I am at a higher risk for blood clots? check and negative. Get tested to see if I would give a little one neonatal lupus? check and negative, thank goodness. Stay on Plaquenil even though there are mixed studies about what pregnancy category it should be in? well, ok, i guess... Meet with a high-risk OBGYN? definitely!
Nephrology appt (January 2011) - We want to start trying in the upcoming months. What do I need to do to prepare, Dr. Agarwall? Go off my cholesterol meds? okay, i'll just eat healther and go to the gym more religiously. Change my blood pressure med? ok, no problem. Pre-eclampsia doesn't typically happen until week 20? sweet! Early delivery? oh, well, i guess we could handle a NICU baby.
High-risk OBGYN appt (February 2011) - We want to start trying in the upcoming months. What do I need to do to prepare, Dr. Lister? Change a few of my meds to be pregnancy category healthy? sure, let's try them! Start a baby aspirin daily to prevent blood clots, thus preventing a miscarriage? sure. Start a Prenatal Vitamin? YES, oh my heck, I'm taking a prenatal vitamin! Sweet! Expect lots of bedrest, hospitalizations, an induced labor, and NICU time for a possible premature little one? Be prepared for a late term miscarriage/stillbirth? *swallow lump in throat* i'm more than willing if it means we can really be parents, even if they are only with us for a little while.
Temple trip (March 2011) - Heavenly Father, we've put a lot of research into this, we've worked hard, and we want to start our family. Is that what we're supposed to be doing? ... the answer to my prayers came as a shift of focus from "Should we?" to "Please HF, don't let my body reject this. I want a baby in my arms so badly." Charles felt like a little one was very anxious to come down right then as we were praying!
The decision (March 2011) - Western Caribbean cruise in May has been booked since October. We still need to go through with this and enjoy ourselves on the last vacation with just us two. And heck, I wanna go ziplining and enjoy the midnight buffets without puking my brains out! Okay, so let's start trying to conceive on the cruise. Perfect.
Today (May 2, 2011) - e-mail from the benefits department: "Leaves of Absence only cover you up to 12 weeks. For anything longer than that, you'll need Long-Term Disability. If you don't have Long-Term Disability, you will need to wait for a life changing event or open enrollment." Pretty sure that bedrest, hospitalizations, recovery, possibly lupus flaring after birth, etc. will require more than 12 weeks of leave. I need LTD. And I don't have it. Charles has looked into individual health insurance. They won't even consider taking me in... I'm too sick and will cost too much money for them. The end.
Sadness. For a baby who isn't even here yet. Anger that so many teens are able to get pregnant without even trying, and then the baby is a huge burden to them. Jealousy over married couples who can decide one day to have a baby and then go ahead and do it without talking to the whole world about it first and getting permission (please don't take offense... I don't mean anything personal). Anxiety to have to wait until January 1st, 2012.
What if we find out, after all that time, that we can't have kids anyway, like so many heartbroken couples?
I spent so much time researching my health, the baby's health, pregnancies with lupus, making and go to doctor's appointments, and dreaming... that I just assumed health insurance would go our way. No, why would it?
And we found out that in order to adopt our little baby girl from India, we need to be married for 5 years.
I'm sure Heavenly Father does want us to have a little one, but just not right now.
President Uchtdorf said this:
Patience is a process of perfection. The Savior Himself said that in your patience you possess your souls. 11 Or, to use another translation of the Greek text, in your patience you win mastery of your souls. 12 Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most. This was true in the time of the Savior. It is true in our time as well, for we are commanded in these latter days to “continue in patience until ye are perfected.” 13
Somday, I will be a mother.
Ok I do NOT have near the trials as you do, but I agree with the heartache in becoming pregnant. It isn't something you take lightly and once you have thought about it, it's like a virus and you can't stop thinking about it. It took me a good year to understand why HF doesn't make things immediate for us, and I am not saying I know everything now, but after a year of trying and frustration as well, I have learned that patience is something I must work on and his timeline and plan is so much wiser and more prepared than we could ever expect. Love you tons, wish you the best, and if you need to talk I am always here. You would be a wonderful, loving, patient, awesome mother and the time will come.
ReplyDeleteChandra I feel for you! You would make a wonderful mother. I really hope that it is in heavenly fathers plan for you! I know how you feel when you see every other women get pregnant at a drop of a hat. Me and Mike have been dealing with infertility and its a hard process and its even harder with being part of the church and knowing that we are supposed to grow our families. But just remember we each have our own trails and its all part of gods plan for us!!
ReplyDelete“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. … All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.” -Elder Orson F. Whitney
I will keep you and Charles in my prayers and let me know if you need anything!!!
My heart aches for you and Charles! I know you WILL be a wonderful mother someday and I have every faith that Heavenly Father has a wonderful plan for you two. I can only imagine how you must be feeling and I want you to know that I'm praying for you guys and wish you the best. You two are wonderful and I just love you!!
ReplyDeleteOh Chandra, I am so sorry that you're going through all of this! You said it perfectly and so did Sarah in her comment...when you feel ready for something and want something so bad, the frustration and things are so hard; but Heavenly Father does have a plan for each of us, He knows each of us personally, and knows when the time will be right! I know that it doesn't necessarily make it easier, but do know and remember that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you tremendously, that one day you are going to make an amazing mother, and you have tons of family and friends who love you and are always here for you too! Let me know if you ever need anything! I love ya girly!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the frustration! You will make an amazing mother Chandra and Charles will be a fantastic father. It will come for you, it is so hard to wait the time out though. Believe me, I know! You are so smart to research and know exactly what can happen. I really think you are wonderful and it will all work out. It is just the patience thing that sucks!
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