Uncut and Uncensored

I'm just going to complain for a few minutes here, and I know that plenty of people have things so much worse than I do, but sometimes life really stinks.

School is insanely hard.  The assignments are actually extremely time-consuming, and I sit at the computer hour after hour on my days off, just trying to come up with something to say on my papers that sounds somewhat intelligent.  And there are soooo many big and little papers, I feel like I have written an entire textbook this semester.  Why did stupid Weber State put the two block classes during the same seven week period?!  Not smart, people!  And to what end am I doing this?  Not a pay raise, that's for sure.  More stressful positions/support roles?  No thank you.

Young Womens is really hard for me.  The girls, as much as I want to love them, are difficult.  I started out as the Personal Progress Specialist.  Ever heard of it before?  Yeah, me neither, cuz it was a made up calling.  The previous presidency was too dang lazy to do it themselves.  I use my own money (heaven forbid I touch the budget) to buy the supplies for the girls to make awesome stuff.  The only thing I ask, is that they go home and write something in their journals to make it "personal" progress instead of "group" progress.  Do they do it?  Nope.  Some have lost their books three times, despite me making church binders for them.  When we have activities in which I ask them to bring their books, and I call/text/facebook reminders to them, do they bring their books?  Nope.  When I ask if I can take them home to get it, they laugh in my face and go lay on the floor in the foyer.  It makes me so angry inside that I am far away from feeling love for them.  They are so clique-y, too which is unfortunate because the nicer girls are those who don't have much.  Enter in the second YW presidency I've worked with - super snotty president who is my age.  What?  You can't handle that some of the girls come from broken homes and have no money?  You can't work with people who aren't good enough for you?  See ya later!  Enter in the third presidency within 7 months.  I got promoted to MiaMaid advisor, and now I'm the Laurel advisor.  Now I have more say in helping the girls plan mutual.  Sew?  Cook?  Craft?  Scrapbook?  No way, that's not cool at all!  I give up.  When I teach, I'm just glad the leaders respond to my questions.  Here's a tip: never ask teenagers to look up a scripture.  Out come the phones, facebook time.

Work is wearing me out.  I've never called in sick so much these last few months.  I worked my extra mandatory on-call shift this past month, and I have another one coming up next week that I will most likely work.  I would love to go part-time, but then benefits would cost so much more.  I've floated to infant unit, medical, and NICU multiple times in the past month!  That's ridiculous!  I'm sick of being around sick kids!  If I'm going to go work, I just want to stay on my unit with my brain-injured children.

Marriage is a lovely thing, but for the past year since Charles has been at Firestone Tires I have felt like I'm still single.  It's my own fault that I choose to work 2 nights per week, so I only sleep with Charles 5 nights each week.  The other nights, he is so exhausted and mad at his boss that he has no energy to do anything, and frankly, neither do I.  His stupid previous boss at Firestone in Roy accused him of something he didn't do.  When Charles showed him the proof that he wasn't guilty, his boss just laughed him off.  No apology.  Then, his boss hurt his back and randomly missed work for physical therapy and doctor's appointments.  Fine, but then the workload was put directly onto Charles.  He was transferred to Firestone in Bountiful, which is a little better because he gets every Sunday off now (thank you, Bountiful for being mostly LDS!), but his boss there hurt his back yesterday(!), and so Charles doesn't get a day off this week.  Instead, he gets to work 65+ hours, which will make for a great paycheck.  But I don't care about the money.  I just want my husband back.  The one that used to laugh and be spontaneous, the one that wasn't constantly stressed, the one that isn't exhausted from waking up at 5 and going to bed late every single day.  I think it would be safe to say that excluding sleeping hours, we have spent more time apart than we have together in our marriage so far. 

Babies.  I want one.  But I can't imagine having a baby and basically being a single mom, on top of working and school.  I think it was a mistake to go back to school.  There's no point to it.  I only did it so I can be a better nurse, but it wasn't necessary.  And babies wear normal people out.  I am worn out every single hour of every single day.  I don't know how we would do it, and would a baby tear us further apart?  More arguments happen when people are tired, which could be why we aren't very happy right now.  I love Charles with my whole heart, but our priorities are just all wrong.  But I feel like if we concentrate on anything other than work, our world will come crashing down. 

A vacation would be nice.  But wait, Charles is using his one week of vacation that he earned after his one year of service to go visit his family at Christmas.  I understand that, and I would do the same if I were in his shoes.  Besides, I'm working both December 24th and 25th this year.  But sometimes, a couple just needs to go to Disneyland or Harry Potter World to regroup and reconnect.

My family is just kind of in a weird situation right now.  But I can tell you that my sister is not coping and could use some therapy for her and Benji Boy.  He is 6 years old; you can't expect the world from him.  I can't take seeing him cry every single Sunday.  And then there's the issue of the sentence being 3 years to life.  Well, the 3 years is up this September, but then there's that "to life" part.  Who knows what will happen?        

The house is a disaster.  I never cook; we have instant meals every night.  Ginny whines and barks at me all the time to play.  But I have no energy.  I can't keep up with life.  It just doesn't seem to have a point to it.  Work, school, homework, not enough sleep.  Day after day.

That's all for now.  I'm sorry if I'm being whiney, but I just needed to get my feelings out somewhere.